Famous final scene

This is it.

Saturday we formalize the end of our homeschool journey. My youngest is graduating.

If you had told me eighteen years ago that: a.) I would still be homeschooling in 2014; and b.) the thought of being finished brings tears to my eyes and a lump to my throat; I would have been certain that you were mistaken or insane, or both.

But we're done. And I really still can't quite believe it.

All of the fears. All of the doubts. All of the stress. Conquered.

All of the walks. All of the conversations. All of the laughter. Remembered.

Some things could probably never be explained to others: Elven smiths. Will Smith. Aerosmith.

Unschooling.

Other things are easily understood: Apologia Biology. Key To Math. Eyewitness books.

I have more to write in coming weeks, but for now, what I want to say to those of you who are in the thick of it or just beginning is this:

YOU CAN DO IT.
YOU CAN DO IT.
YOU CAN DO IT.

And it is worth every minute. Every tear. Every worry.

You can do it.

Think in terms of bridges burned
Think of seasons that must end
See the rivers rise and fall
They will rise and fall again
Everything must have an end
Like an ocean to a shore
Like a river to a stream
Like a river to a stream
It's the famous final scene.

--Bob Seger

The choices we make

I was sure that I had written this post, or something like it, before. An email conversation and a Facebook discussion came together in my mind to create this topic, but I was certain that elements of it had been written before. I spent a long time looking through two of my blogs. Then I realized. I didn't write about it; I spoke about it. (Back to that in a minute.)

I got an email last night that is like others that I've gotten in the past. The mom who wrote it had been reading my blog and wanted to know if it was okay to ask a few questions. (The answer to that is yes. I like dialogues far better than monologues.) The main thing that she wanted to know was how, as an unschooler, I made sure that my kids learned everything they were supposed to learn.

At the same time there was a conversation on my Facebook wall about potential negative effects from a widely used medication. There were those who were giving it to their children, for a specific reason, and while they were--of course--concerned about potential side effects, they also had other concerns if it wasn't used.

These may seem completely unrelated, but I think that they have something in common. We are constantly making choices about every aspect of our children's lives. Each choice that we make has potentially good and bad outcomes. Each choice makes other options impossible. Choosing to give one medication for a condition means that others aren't used. It means hoping for the good that is supposed to come from the medication and being aware of potential dangers.

In the same way, when we choose to educate our children in a certain manner, we may close some doors. We choose based on the positives that we hope for and, at the same time, are aware of the potential negatives and paths not taken. One example that always comes to my mind is that by continuing to homeschool through high school we lost the opportunity to continue to participate in team sports. But the kids decided that it was worth it.

So we make choices. We do what we think is best. We pray for good outcomes. We evaluate as we go along.

And sometimes we decide that a post is really two posts. And that we will write the post that we thought we already wrote, and answer the email question tomorrow.

About that whole socialization thing

This post is several years old. I posted it on my regular blog. But I felt the need to revisit it here. Additions will be made in color.

The company you keep

This post has been rattling around in my brain for months. It was finally shaken loose by some things Gatto said about school and family, and some conversations with friends.

First: My kids are far from perfect. Those of us who are Lutherans understand this, but I felt like it was a necessary disclaimer given what is coming. This post is a response. It is a response to questions I have been asked many times, by different people. (And continue to be asked; thus the revisiting.) It is difficult to write, because I know the imperfections of my kids and our family. I don't have all of the answers. But these are the answers I have.

The question has been some variation of,"Your kids are so nice/helpful/polite/well-spoken. You all get along so well. They all get along so well. They read all kinds of good books. How have you done it?" (My kids are also opinionated and argumentative. Stubborn. And sometimes lazy. So there.)

My first answer is, I've had a lot of help. In fact, in many ways that is my answer. (YES!) The other is that I have resisted two urges that I have seen in the homeschool community, both of which are--in a way--reactions to the larger society. The first of these is the urge to control. The second is the urge to mimic school socialization.

The urge to control comes out most frequently as limits on time spent doing various activities: Watching TV, playing with toys, playing with video games or on the computer, reading for pleasure, playing musical instruments, or just laying in the back yard daydreaming. The other form is limitation of content. We did this to a very, very small extent, mostly vetoing kids TV shows full of snotty attitudes. (Can I just reiterate how glad I am we did this?)

The urge to control comes in large part from the checklist idea of education as tasks to be completed. It places higher value on some activities than others in a way that is often arbitrary, based on some outside idea of worthwhile activity.

My kids didn't have time limits. So one day they might have done nothing but play legos while watching musicals. On Monday Bethany might have reread Anne of Green Gables for the 15th time and played the piano for four hours. On Tuesday she might have spent all day playing Zoombinis and playing in the back yard. There were days on end where none of us left the Oregon Trail. In later years the boys might have spent six hours playing Age of Empires and then turned on the news. This post isn't about what they've managed to learn. That one is still to come. This is about why I believe they've become who they are. (And it really was like that. Exactly.)

But, here is, I believe, a huge part of the key. We didn't "do" "socialization." The s-word is the big bugaboo in the homeschool community. Everyone knows that homeschooled kids overall do well on tests, etc., but "WHAT ABOUT SOCIALIZATION?!" We've all heard it. Generally the answer is, "We have groups. We get together. Etc., etc., etc."

We didn't. We didn't do homeschool groups. Or scouts. Or 4-H. Patrick's sensory issues made large groups of kids torture. Part of the time we lived where there were no groups that we were compatible with, when there were groups at all.

Of course the kids have had friends. They played one-on-one with neighbor kids, were on soccer teams, and made friends at church. As they've gotten older they've developed friendships with other homeschoolers, often those who live elsewhere that they met through Higher Things or other church-related functions. But the social activities that they've been a part of have been family-oriented. They have been socialized by our family and friends. They have been socialized by adults who we like and admire and have chosen to spend time with. I firmly believe that one of the worst aspects of conventional schooling is the division by age and the imposition of barriers between child and family.

This part is important: As a result of our not being group-oriented, I think we have missed out on some of the attitudes and behaviors that come from kids socializing each other. They grew up socializing freely with those older and younger than them. They didn't learn that their parents are uncool know-nothings and that younger siblings were pests to be avoided.





(Andrew has had more group time with other kids than the others combined. He's taken more group classes. And his extroversion demands people time. But there have been times that we have needed to pull back from certain activities or relationships because we could see negative effects. It has been hard, but it has proven to be for the best.)

As I said above, we've had help. Our older kids have helped socialize the younger ones. I love seeing Patrick's civilizing influence on his younger brothers. Their grandparents and other relatives have had their parts. The hours that the kids have spent in the company of various pastors, both formally and informally, has had a tremendous influence on their thinking. Being a part of the life of the church, trained and useful, as acolytes has helped the boys to deal with the forced uselessness of that time that society calls adolescence. The women who are my friends have had a profound impact on my kids. I love it when I see a glimpse of Susan, or Lora, or Lori, or Jacqui--and these are just the glimpses I see the most--in something one of the kids says.

So that's my answer, I'm not saying other choices are wrong, but I've been asked what we've done. And this is it.

Addendum: One could get the idea from part of this that I was a permissive parent. Not really. I've always been pretty much of the "you behave or else" school of parenting. My kids had chores and did them. They learned that there are places where you need to sit still and be quiet, like church and the symphony. They learned that restaurants are awesome places to get yummy food, but you have to sit in your chair and behave like a big boy if you want to stay and eat the yummy food. Freedom to make many choices didn't mean freedom to be selfish pigs. As Patrick points out, I taught them to make wise decisions.
 

How did I miss this one?

Today as I was checking out some of the blogs in the Homeschooling Blogroll in my sidebar, I came across one that referred to strewing and linked to this site.

I am not surprised that there is a name for this, or that Sandra coined it. (Sometime I'll have to write a post about Sandra and the HUGE impact that this person I've never met had on my kids.)
I am surprised that in the last twelve years I never heard it before.

It's such a perfect word for something we've always done, sometimes consciously, but even more often unconsciously. I'll be cleaning and come across a book that I know one of the younger ones is ready for. Lay it on the kitchen table. Almost invariably it will at least be looked at.

This is part of the reason my kids didn't have game boys and we don't have a dvd player in our car. The drive to wherever we may be going has things to be seen. There is always something to be learned. And the conversation has always been the biggest part of the learning.

I have a couple of friends who are pretty structured and have young kids who are having some difficulties in getting them interested in "school." Maybe some strewing would be just the ticket. It can be a great way to pique their interest, or possibly help them find an interest. (Of course, as parents we have to be ready and willing to help them follow those interests, even if they don't match up with the chosen curriculum.)

So I've added a new word to my homeschool vocabulary. What fun!

School and ADD/ADHD

Ned Vare has a post at School is Hell about a subject near and dear to my heart, ADD/ADHD.

I especially like this quote from his friend, Jerry Mintz, who has the website The Education Revolution.

You got a person who has a psychiatric illness in a public school that requires medication from a multibillion-dollar industry, but when you put him into an alternative school environment, not only does he not require the medication, but the disease seems to vanish and he does very well. The question is, then, where is the disease? And I have firmly, solidly come to the conclusion that the disease is in our schools. It's not in our kids.

Yes, yes, and again yes. Some people think and learn in a way that is not compatible with the way schools choose to teach. So their way of thinking is treated as a disease. They are drugged so that they can better conform.

I am the diagnosed ADD parent of two, possibly three, sons who would certainly have been drugged if we were part of the public school machine. It drives me crazy to see so many parents unquestioningly give their children--especially their sons--psychoactive drugs for most of their childhood because they are behaving like children. Why as a society do we try to shove children into a box instead of making the box fit the child?

For us, one of the huge benefits of homeschooling is that we have been able work with our children's strengths and around their weaknesses.

And contrary to the doubts of the critics we've faced, as pre-teens and teens the boys can all function just fine in a regimented classroom situation when they choose to do so.

Why I love homeschooling, # 1,374

Really, it would be fun to enumerate the reasons sometime. I may have to do that.

This month I love homeschooling because of the fact that when something happens that turns life upside down, we can go with the flow. My sons can take their books to the hospital. We can be flexible. And nobody misses school.

By the way, if you follow the link and want to read more about what has happened with Abby since, you can read the more recent posts on my blog.)

Explaining learning

People understand school. They understand "education." They understand teaching. But what I've come to realize is that very few people understand learning.

They have a hard time grasping the absorption and growth of knowledge and understanding absent coercion or the assistance of an outside expert.

I was trying to explain to someone yesterday that, yes, my kids have learned to spell from reading. My daughter--who is an excellent writer--learned that craft by reading excellent writers.

We don't go "back to school" and that confuses people. I try to explain that they never stop learning, but that seems to confuse people, too.

When people find out that I was an education major, but changed my major after my practicum because I realized I would hate classroom teaching, they always suggest that it's ironic that I am a teacher now. But I'm not. I'm a parent. I actively teach my children very little. What I do do is provide them with opportunities and resources. I surround them with books and maps and music and art. I take them to parks and museums and antique stores and church and zoos and Target and beaches and coffee shops and soccer games and grandmas house. I let them weed the garden and wash the clothes and help me cook.

And we talk. All the time. We talk about the news, the book they're reading, and what the lyrics to our favorite Rush songs mean. We talk about why things are the way they are and what we can or can't do something about. We talk about moving to the country and the animals we'd have and what we'll name our dogs. We talk about what we could possibly do with all of our tomatoes and why Amish chickens taste so good and why lightening does what it does when it strikes different structures.

I don't think I could keep them from learning, except maybe by sending them to school.

Not back to school

I've been hearing about all of the cool not-back-to-school activities that people have been doing. We did something really exciting this year. We went shopping!

Yup, shopping. We spent over six hours searching for three items: a pair of black dress shoes for #2 son, and a pair of tennis shoes and a pair of black dress pants for #3 son.

The tennis shoes were easy. The black dress pants were almost impossible. Apparently the folks who make kids' clothes don't understand that some of us still believe in dressing up. They also don't seem to understand that there are LOTS of skinny kids out there. For all the talk about childhood obesity, I know way more moms with skinny boys than fat ones! Most of the pants made Andrew look like he was trying to leave room for smuggling something.

And then we have the black dress shoes. Why oh why did my children all get weird feet? The kind of feet that cheap shoes won't fit? It caused me tremendous pain to have to spend $80 for shoes for a rapidly growing 14yo. But we tried on over 20 pairs at a number of stores, and these were the only ones that didn't hurt.

So that was our exciting NBTS adventure. Next, NBTS housecleaning!

Better than you

Back to Mrs. Teacher:

I have had responses to Mrs. Teacher running through my mind off and on for almost a month. Some of the things that she said gave me insight into reactions that I've gotten from people who were not as outspoken as she. Some of the things she said fall into the category of nutty.

I'm not even going to worry about the nutty, like us taking up room in a good school district. But I am sure that she is not alone in some of her thoughts.

Do I homeschool because I believe that my children are smarter than other children? Anyone who knows us or who has read my account of our beginning this adventure knows that that isn't the case. We began homeschooling because of the difficulties that our oldest son was having. We continued because we liked it.

Homeschooling is wonderful for kids who don't fit the mold. Bethany would have continued to thrive in school, as she did from the beginning, because she fit the mold. She is a girl. She read early. She had no trouble sitting still. She is a visual learner. She is compliant and wants to make people happy.

Boys automatically have one strike. And Patrick had more than that. He didn't fit the mold.

We homeschool because we want to do what we believe is best for our children, and we can. I believe that God has given me the job of being the mother of these four people, and it is up to me to decide how best to accomplish it given our abilities and resources. For us, homeschooling is a big part of raising our children and doing this job.

Does that mean, as Mrs. T. opined, that we "judge" parents who choose public schools for their children? No. Some of my best friends have their kids in school. (grin) Are there some homeschoolers who do judge other parents? I have no doubt, since there are some homeschoolers who judge other homeschoolers for not doing it "right." I believe that each family needs to decide, based on all of the variables that exist in their family, what is best for their children.

More misconceptions

Before I start talking about the misconceptions about homeschooling that I posted about last time, I have to add some more that I ran into today.

I go, once a month or so, to a place where I can prepare a number of meals for the month very quickly and reasonably-priced, while leaving the mess behind. This morning as I was paying for my session the very nice lady who owns the store asked if I had kids home from school yet. When I told her that we homeschool she said, "Oh, I could never be that disciplined. We have a hard time getting the homework done."

Later, two other women came in and as we were all assembling our meals and chatting about our families, the owner mentioned to them that I homeschool. "I could never do that. You must be so organized, " said one. "There would be blood all over our house. You must be so patient," added the other.

Those of you who know me well can get up off the floor and stop laughing now.

I bet that if you asked my friends and family members to list the top ten traits that I have, disciplined, organized, and patient wouldn't even show up. Disorganized and impatient would probably be near the top.

And yet we survive. We actually thrive.

I wish these mothers, good mothers who volunteer at school, have their kids' friends over, and are trying to hold together the family dinner time against all of the pressures of life, could see what homeschooling can do for family life. Of course getting homework done is a battle. They've been at school all day. They rightly think that eight hours should be enough! One of the moms today said something about her son's attitude. We have seen wonderful changes in the attitudes of kids who come home. She might be amazed at how much better she likes him after six months at home.

It is the second day out of school and at 10:30 this morning one of these children who was at home vegging in front of the TV was calling her mom saying that she's bored. The mom is trying to plan events to fill the summer with activity--camps, lessons, classes--to get the kids "out of the house." I wanted to say, "Just live." Cook together. Clean together. Do some crafty projects. Go to the park. Lay on a blanket in the backyard and watch the clouds.

Then you might get a glimpse of what it can really be like to be a homeschool mom.

Unschooling, success, goals, and gaps

Today I was answering an email on our state homeschool list. As I wrote I realized the the reply would make a great blog post.

Every parent, unschooler or not, has goals for their children. I think that part of the distinction is which of our goals and desires are important enough that we in some way require that our children achieve them. In our home, those goals which are requirements ultimately fall more into the realm of parenting than "schooling." Church attendance in our home is not negotiable, neither were catechism classes. Fortunately, this hasn't been a problem. All of my children will leave home understanding the basics of keeping a house clean, doing laundry, cooking, balancing a checkbook, and other practical matters. These are non-negotiables, as are courtesy, honesty, and respect. If my four children grow to be responsible, reasonably happy adults who contribute to their family, church, and society according to their vocations, then that will be success.

Beyond that, ideally, I want them all to go to college and if that is the path that they want to take I will help them, but they are setting the path, not me. It is *their* goals that will define success or failure, not mine. If they decide to choose another route, I will still help them and their goals will determine their success.

My daughter was completely unschooled from third grade on. She studied what she wanted to study. There were months when she did nothing but draw, read, play American Girl dolls, and play soccer. There were months when she did nothing but play the piano and read. She never studied grammar. She never had a writing assignment. She never had a test. In anything.

When she was 16 she decided that she needed to get serious about college admission requirements. She had kept a reading list and a journal so it was simple for us to see where we could give her credits and where she needed to focus attention. In one year she did algebra, geometry, and biology. She planned to do chemistry the next year. She took a class at the Fort Wayne campus of Taylor University in sociology for "practice." She got an A. She took her SATs and received scores high enough that colleges were pursuing her. She ultimately received a full academic scholarship. She tested into higher level math & English. She is now halfway through her sophomore year with a job, lots of activities, and a 4.0. She is achieving her goals. Am I happy about the path she has chosen? Ecstatic! She's even chosen to major in history and English like her mother. :)

Right now all three of my sons are taking a class in Biblical Greek. No one is making them do this. My oldest son has read great literature that many college English majors haven't made it through. (I'm trying to catch up with him!) My youngest son is pursuing math and botany with a zeal not often seen in this house for math and science. I wouldn't have chosen botany. He has. My two youngest both asked for acrylic paints and supplies for Christmas. This is their thing. I only paint walls.

As the mom/facilitator/committed unschooler have I snuck in some lessons because I think that there are things everyone should know? Yep. All my kids are great with maps and geography. When we take a trip they navigate. When we talk about news and world events--which is all the time at our house--it isn't unusual for someone to grab a globe or atlas, because that's what I've always done. Because of my background and our family discussions my kids tend to be very critical readers and listeners. They are always looking for the hidden agenda or story. They also love to proofread the newspaper. :)

I see a big part of my job to be exposing them to places, things, ideas, people. I surround them with books, movies, music. We don't limit TV or computer access, although there are specific shows that are not watched. We go to museums, zoos, parks, & concerts. We travel. They have opportunities to take part in music groups, sports, drama, whatever. We get out in the world and meet people. We talk LOTS.

But mostly I get out of the way. I don't assign, quiz, or test. I don't hover. When asked I give advice or information, find lessons, buy books. I am the mom. I am not the teacher.

I used to worry about gaps. The longer we homeschool the less I worry. I spent 19 years in school and excelled, but I have some huge gaps! So does my husband. I am sure that every single one of my children will have some gaps in their learning. Maybe they'll even discover a major one. But they all know how to find information and learn what they need to learn.

Unschooling and being a Christian

Originally posted Feb 2006

Just before my unplanned hiatus I received an email from a homeschool mom who wanted to know how I could square being an unschooler with being a Christian. This isn't the first time I've heard someone question whether the two are compatible, but it is the first time I've tried to come up with an answer.

So what does it mean to be a Christian parent? The simplest way for me to answer is to turn to the Table of Duties in my copy of Luther's Small Catechism. There I find these words:

Ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath, but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. Eph. 6, 4.

I fulfill my vocation as a Christian mother in many ways, including but not limited to having our children baptised, regularly attending services, and doing catechesis together. Part of our vocation as parents--whether or not we are Christians--is to see to the education of our children. We have chosen to homeschool, and, in the course of our homeschool journey, to unschool.

I think that some people equate unschooling with having no discipline. They assume that unschooled children are allowed to do as they please in all areas of life. There very likely are unschooling families where this is true. However, I have a number of unschoolers among my acquaintances who--like us--require quite a bit from our kids and are unquestionably in charge.

Our unschooling does color the way we live our lives. My children have a great deal of autonomy in choosing what they will read and how they will spend their time. We don't have set times for "english" or "social studies." But there are things that they have to do. They have to bathe & brush teeth daily. They have to do their chores without me nagging. This includes dishes, laundry, bedrooms, their bathroom, and cat care.

They have to take part in family catechesis and attend all church services. (As yet, no one has complained about this.) If they make commitments--to a team, choir, job, etc.--they have to fulfill it.

If I ever see that unschooling is not working for one of my kids, we will do something else. Because I *am* ultimately in charge. Unschooling was my decision not theirs.

So, yes, the short answer is I do think it is compatible with being a Christian.